Marriage without Parental Approval

The fact of conflict between new parents and their own parents and in-laws is widely testified to in the different literatures of the world's cultures. Of particular note is the traditional Chinese culture. The struggles between the new wife and her mother-in-law are recorded in famous novels and are still being written in the family stories of modern times.

What seems ironic is that nobody thinks these family problems will occur in their family. But again and again family reunions become some of the bitterest times for families. One would think this tension would be hidden with the birth of a grandson. It is not. Let's think of why there is so much tension between new parents and their own parents.

If a couple seeking marriage wants to guarantee problems for their marriage, they should start by not getting their parents' approval for marriage. Young people are so naïve when it comes to understanding the importance of parental approval for their lives. Why is this so important?Marriage unites not only a couple but also families. It is not just one person and one person. More is at stake. Only the more mature person can see this. Parents are offended when their children decide marriage matters without sincerely seeking their agreement.

The young would be protected if they worked with their parents in the process of seeking a spouse rather than against them. This problem is made worse by the clash of modern ways with traditional ways to seek marriage partners. Parents no longer have confidence or understanding of how to properly relate to their children. Children do not expect their parents to have any real contribution to the process. This is a shame.

The intergenerational struggle is more clearly seen at marriage. If the young have pursued a marriage partner without their parents' approval, they have acted very impolitely and even foolishly before their parents. Instead of building up trust, they have given offense. The parents will disdain their child's decisions in the future. The grown child, meanwhile, will continue to ignore his parents' counsel. We can see that a wall of mistrust is placed between the newly married couple and their parents.

The young couple wrongly assumes that nothing much is wrong; time will heal all. They are very wrong in thinking that having a baby will make everything better. On the surface, this seems to be true. The couple is delighted in their child. The grandparents are happy for a new grandchild. But in fact, this scene will become the next showdown, a place of serious confrontation.We will not go into this confrontation at this point, but we do want to stress the fact that the harm from their unapproved marriage has not gone away. The only way to begin to unravel the bitterness is to confess one's foolishness, admit one's faulty judgment and ask for forgiveness. Some people have learned to forgive; others haven't. For those who have learned to forgive, they will forgive and the relationships will move on. Otherwise bitterness will stay in their heart as a long lasting enemy.

Before moving on, just think of the value of a parent and child seeking a spouse together. The parents would give valuable insight to the inexperienced couple. They would help protect the young from foolish decisions that he/she might not understand. Since the in-laws are part of the process, they would be honored. They would see that their child really treasures their insight. This would build up a strong trusting relationship.

Before marriage children must obey their parents unless the parents direct or force a child to do the wrong thing. In other words, a child should seek full compliance on everything in life even when it is not their preference.

Pause for Reflection: What do your parents think of your marriage? Did you ask them for permission? Did they agree? (Edited from (http://www.foundationsforfreedom.net)